Yet another impromptu list by Jacki

I am excited to list my top 5 favorite toys in elementary school, but that just makes me think about who I shared those toys with in my youth. My sisters. Specifically in my thoughts today, is my big sister, Ethelyn. She left for Korea this morning and she is to be gone for a year at the least, with potential for a longer contract depending on how her first year goes. While this is an amazing opportunity for her and I am thrilled for this turn in her life, I am also losing my mind with loneliness and throwing little mini tantrums by myself. I miss my big sister :(. So. Much.

When I told her about our Listsaurus blog, she sort of laughed and called me a dork. But she was also pretty into listing things herself when topics of interest were brought up. When Miranda and I were brainstorming, Ethelyn's first suggestion to me was:

top 5 favorite things about ETHELYN. (i'm shocked. what a goober) And even though I made fun of her, well, I'm such an emotional wreck right now that it's all I can think about. So why not post about it? Here are my Top 5 Favorite things about my big sister, Ethelyn.



What a dork she is. The dorkiest I've ever met, and I love her dearly for it. She always has been. Always will be.

What's with her love for guys like Jesse Eisenberg and Matt Bellamy? Hell if I'll ever figure it out. But hey, maybe guys like that like to hang out in Korea. ;)

I love spending time with her next to my mom. They have the same silly mannerisms and smiley eyes. When I hug my mom I feel like I can just close my eyes and rest for a while and nothing else matters. Oddly enough, when I hug Ethelyn it feels almost exactly the same.

I've never fought with anyone more than I have with Ethelyn, but she's always trying to improve. She's always willing to deal with my headstrong, battering ram approach. She always calms me down even after she's the one who has riled me up to begin with. Sometimes she's fucking awful at it. Sometimes I'm fucking awful at it. But moments after she has stared emotionless at me and shrugged with indifference and I've screamed and thrown things and tried to break down the walls around her, we're hugging and smiling and laughing. Whatta pain-in-the-ass-Libra. Whatta-stubborn-jack-ass-Aries. <3

And when it's all said and done, I have a handful of my very best friends. Talking with Miranda is like talking to myself. It's odd, but I've tried explaining this to a few people and it's the only way I can seem to break it down. I talk to her in the same voice I use to talk to myself, with the same voice I hear in my head. It's like she's my brainwave buddy and the best one anyone could every hope for. But even I tend to put my brave face on for her. Because, well, I can't very well lie and say I've never pretended I was brave to myself. I have to fool myself into feeling that way sometimes. And if talking to her is like talking to myself, it's kind of hard to avoid lol.

With Blake, it's like he's my lover and my friend but he's the most different of anyone I've ever tried being friends/in love with. To some degree I can break down to both he and Miranda. I can cry and thrash and scream and be upset to them both, they've both seen that side of me. But it's like even then I'm doing something different. I'm trying to rationalize and calm down and be strong even if I'm breaking down.

With my little sister Jenne, it's a strange dynamic where I feel like she's one of my favorite people to talk to ever, but I always feel a little on guard or on edge. Something inside me still feels like I've got something to prove. Like, I'm the big sister, keep it together. Something to have to show for myself. A brave face I still have to put on. In some ways, I feel like I've got to do this with Miranda, Jenne and Blake.

But with Ethelyn. She's seen me at my worst. My most scared. My most infantile. Most tragic and pathetic. At some points Miranda and Jenne and Blake have seen bits of this, but with Ethelyn, it's like I feel OK doing that. I feel like that's where it belongs. She's the one I can really truly act like a big blubbering baby to. I've literally known her all of my life and she's seen it all. I can't seem to hide anything from her, and the fact is, I don't feel like I have to. I hide shit from myself all of the time, and everyone around me. But I can let all my ugliness and sadness out with her. I don't have to play brave. I can just be her goofy whiny little sister. And sometimes that's all I need in my day to make it better.


Sorry this post got so serious. I've been having a hard few months and she's been the solid point through this summer. Having her leave for another country so soon after Miranda moved away has been really hard. Miranda, you are welcome to post a response about Ethelyn (which I'm sure she'd be all about :P) OR you can share a post about YOUR big sister... Since I know you're lucky enough to have one of those shining stars in your life.

-Jackisablubberingbabyrightnow